Radio silence for a while as I’ve been grappling with relapse. It always comes as a shock to me. Months and months of ordinary living and then suddenly__ But as I seem to be pulling out, it’s worth making a few observations.
1. Denial. People with depression often kid themselves in between bouts that it’s over. I certainly did. I’ve had nothing this acute since 2010. But the longer you go without suffering, the more you slip back into bad old habits. And that will make relapse more likely. It’s hard to stick to the rules when the memory of depression is fading and you convince yourself that maybe it wasn’t so bad after all, and that perhaps it’s truly all over. It never is
2. Acceptance. So what is to be done? The initial temptation is to wail. Oh fxxk, it’s back, I’ll never be properly well, I’ll keep relapsing until everyone – work, family, friends – are so exasperated with me that I’ll start losing the things I care about most. And that makes you feel even worse. So there’s no point. No point in saying “why me Lord?” No point in raging or mooning or any form of reaction other than pure acceptance. It’s here, I can’t change what has happened, but I can change my reaction to it. This is what I am. And a few weeks of gloom amid months of joy can’t be all bad.
3. Meditation. For me, hand in glove with acceptance is meditation. Sit. Observe. Take your mind off your mind and instead notice the little things that make life possible. Breathing. Sounds. Watch the thoughts, the evil thoughts, as they come and go; try not to buy into them but see them as agitprop, cinema, footage from a projector that is overheating. Unbelievable.
4. Compassion. Congratulate yourself for being who you are. These spells enable great self-knowledge. A chance to get to understand who you are and what you’re for. That’s a great opportunity. Remember there is upside here too: minds that wig out like this are often capable of great insight during good spells. It also prepares you well to have compassion for others. We all suffer in our own ways. It is only through suffering that we truly understand the human condition, the pains and pitfalls of being alive. Rejoice.
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Mark Rice-Oxley
International planning editor
The Guardian
email: mark.rice-oxley@guardian.co.uk
twitter: @markriceoxley69
homepage: www.markriceoxley.net
Mark Rice-Oxley
International planning editor
The Guardian
email: mark.rice-oxley@guardian.co.uk
twitter: @markriceoxley69
homepage: www.markriceoxley.net
Mark
I have spent most of the last 17 months either in tears, screaming at God or sitting at the computer smoking like a train trying to understand what has happened to Bryan and I because of his depression and corrupt doctors.
In my worst moments faith in God has helped the most because the worst moments have forced me onto the couch where I lie still. Resting in the peace of God (there’s a quote I can’t remember) gives me the strength to keep battling.
I will never understand what and why this has happened. I do know that being kind to myself allows me to be kinder to the world out there – most of whom have no idea the extent of the damage to Bryan and I.
People – well-meaning people usually – have suggested that I get medicated and my response is always the same – not in a million years.
I fight this situation internally and externally and never admit to depression -anger yes regularly. When I am angry and calm, I get my best legal responses written.
When I am angry, calm or not, friends and associates tend to steer clear because they don’t know how to cope. Depression or trauma is a good time to know who is a real friend.
Sometimes great insight comes when you are not well too – but we have to remember our thoughts from the down times when we are well to judge whether they are insightful or not. Write it all down, journal it – the descent and the ascent. In years to come it will provide insight for your children and grandchildren.
Find something in the future to hang survival on – if your children were a bit older, I’d suggest grandchildren – mine are a source of joy beyond description in a very sad life.
Research your own fixes – conventional, natural, homeopathic, eastern, whatever works. Take ownership and control of your own condition. Doctors can be very good at handing out medication without as much information as patients really need. Would you willingly take a medication that could cause (insert any number of illnesses or organ problems here)? Have you seen the full data sheet for citalopram? I have – my daughter was on it. What if there were/are natural fixes and your doctor wasn’t telling you?
Hi Mark
Have suffered with depression for years and now believe, after much research, that there is a strong link with thyroid/adrenal disorders. It’s worth considering…….have sent you an email with details.